Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
