We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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