Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
