he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
