I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
