i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
