he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
