There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize