She's JV to your varsity
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
