I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
