I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
