Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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