I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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