I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
