Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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