Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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