nut hugger
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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