the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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