My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
