Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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