i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
