That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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