My brain says no but my pants say off.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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