The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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