So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
