you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
