So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
