Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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