just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You are the jesus of drinking
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
