If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
