Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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