i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
