the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize