cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
