Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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