I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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