It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
