Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
