i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
