Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
