It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
