my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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