I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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