Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
