I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
