I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
