Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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