I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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