I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You made out with two different species that night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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