i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
