My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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