Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
