I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
