I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
