Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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