ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
