I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize