My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
