I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
