Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
