A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He passed out mid-signature
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
