is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
