Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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